today's pop culture -in sum- by Kuppy

Trash TV

Sammie -Sweetheart- Giancola and Nicole -Snooki- Polizzi

Homie Rating: 8 out of 10

Sammi ‘The sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet’ Giancola isss hilarious. I have never been into watching Jersey Shore, but my roommates are die-hard and I don’t have cable in my room. Thus, my new favorite reality personality.

In Season 5, Episode 4 of Jersey Shore, the cast was partying at Karma, as per the norm. Supposedly out of nowhere, Sammi was ‘attacked by like a swarm of f****** bitches.’ Apparently, they pulled her hair and threw her drink. She definitely threw down before literally being thrown through the front door by bouncers. As the rest of the cast joined her on the walk back to their beach house, Ronnie made the comment that Sammi was bleeding. Without skipping a beat, Sammi shouts, “Did you see me? It was me against the WORLDDD! AND I still held my clutch!  You don’t yank my newly weave, that I just got… I was always taught to like, self-defend myself.” BAAAAAhahahahaha! Really? I love.

You are my ‘Homie’ of the week, Sam. Don’t let nobody mess with your drink, your clutch, or your newly weave!

Jackhole Rating: 11 out of 10

Snooki. Really? That’s all I can say to your struggle that is Season 5’s Episode 5, immediately following your lack of bladder control.

Nicole -Snooki- Polizzi actually peed down her leg. …Half drunk laughing, half embarrassed, this meatball ran to the ladies room in Karma, sprayed her ‘kooka‘ multiple times to give herself a ‘Shore Shower‘. She didn’t fully clean herself, she didn’t wash her hands, and she shouted, “I’m not dirty!!!”  —OKAY PAUSE!!! Yes you ARE dirty, lady! Lol are you out of your mind?! Sick McNasty!— Before going out the next night, Snooki prepared herself with backup (booty shorts over her panties) as a proactive measure. After waking up, Snooki called for a doctor’s appointment and was later diagnosed with a UTI. Her very professional views as a graduated vet tech — drink enough alcohol to numb the pain in her mind and in her kooka. Regardless of the fact that you provide me with many brain-cell-losing laughter, you, my friend are a Jackhole.

Jackhole.’  Lol that’s all I can say at this point in time.

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Tareq Salahi and Michaele Salahi

Although I find both Tareq and Michaele Salahi (married, but estranged) to display signs of ‘Jackhole‘ tendencies, I truly find Michaele to be more of a victim than a participant.

Tareq Salahi gets my ‘Jackhole‘ award this week, and here’s why:

‘Jackhole’ Rating: 9.5

This guy is one crazy son-of-a-bitch.  The couple, first made infamous by their stint of crashing a White House State Dinner two years ago, also made a name for themselves as part of the rookie cast of Bravo’s Real Housewives of Washington D.C.  Before taping  of the first season finished, Tareq (who, by the way, convinced a long string of White House employees that the pair had been invited to the State Dinner and cost each of the employees their job) always seemed to be the brains of the operation, with Michaele simply parroting any b.s. she had been fed.  This husband snuck himself and his bride into a number of invite-only parties.  When taken before the U.S. House of Representatives Homeland Security Committee for a hearing, the couple’s attorney advised them to plead the fifth, literally, to every single question they were asked…. and they did.

About two weeks ago, the two announced their split, with Michaele moving out.  Almost immediately, their Doberman Pinscher became depressed and died last week.  Tareq publicly blames Michaele for the dog’s death.  Granted, she was the more sane of the two and Rio’s animal instincts probably led him to trust her more.  I don’t blame Michaele for leaving, but I DO blame her for not taking that poor animal with her.  That man belongs in a nut house and a week and a half alone with him would be enough to cause any of us to have a heart attack and die.

‘Homie’ Rating: 7

Meanwhile, Michaele claims to be happy and ‘in love‘ with a guitarist for Journey, Neal Schon.  Salahi has been attending concerts backstage as well as picking up some new make up trends to perfect a rock-and-roll girlfriend look.  Good for you, girl.  Regardless of the fact that you are a touch mindless, you had enough good sense to get the hell away from that manipulative, pathological liar.

Homie‘ of the week goes to Michaele.  This should be a message to all the ladies out there that need a little encouragement to leave that ridiculous man you’re with.