today's pop culture -in sum- by Kuppy

Reality TV

Vicki Gunvalson, Tamra Barney, Gretchen Rossi, Alexis Bellino, and Heather Dubrow

Okay, so let’s just say for the record, I have always loved the Real Housewives. Dating back to the first episode of Orange County six years ago, my dream has always to become even a third as successful as these women. Many of them are down to earth, making time for their children, reading the Bible and putting God first, and holding each others’ hands during times of true heartache.

However, I have a couple of fundamental issues that are bothering me regarding their actions and their speech, so let’s dive right in, shall we?

First and foremost, let’s be honest. I’m not super familiar with Heather’s financial situation, but ALL of the other four women have issues in that department. Either they are stressed about being the breadwinner for their families, or they can’t make the mortgage payment without the help of a spouse (happy or estranged). They’re dating men who can’t pay the same amount of child support as they could have in 2007, or they’re trying to beat the system of ‘foreclosure.’ None of them have room to talk, and yet, they always find the time to sit under a nice shady grove and spill some tea.  For shame. Even if any of the ladies did have wonderful finances, shouldn’t they (as many of them are self-proclaimed God-fearing citizens) feel empathy rather than self-righteousness? In this great, capitalist country in which we live, the economy is capable of slipping. So the only thing we can do, or should do, is be supportive of each other and try to make tomorrow a better day.

Secondly, can we please talk about the grammatical errors that these women use far too regularly?! I know that I’m no one spectacular, but if nothing else, I am well-spoken and I chew with my mouth closed. I don’t know, isn’t that pretty much the bare minimum?? Many of these girls use incorrect grammar constantly and it has gotten on my last nerve. I look up to Vicki like crazy, simply due to her resilience in relationships and in finance. However, when she says the word, ‘I,’ when she should use the word, ‘me,’ I just want to punch her. Grammar lesson, Ladies!!  If, when you take all of the other subjects out of a sentence, the correct pronoun for yourself is ‘me,’ then when you put all the other subjects back in, you say, ‘me!!’ I know it sounds like the opposite of what we were taught in elementary school, however, the fact remains that you weren’t listening well enough. Please. I beg of you. Take a grammar lesson so you can return to the top of my list of mentors. At that juncture, I may be able to -once again- overlook all of your ridiculous drama. Okay, I take that back. I love the drama. Keep that ridiculousness coming.

Homies AND Jackholes this week: RHOC


Sammie -Sweetheart- Giancola and Nicole -Snooki- Polizzi

Homie Rating: 8 out of 10

Sammi ‘The sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet’ Giancola isss hilarious. I have never been into watching Jersey Shore, but my roommates are die-hard and I don’t have cable in my room. Thus, my new favorite reality personality.

In Season 5, Episode 4 of Jersey Shore, the cast was partying at Karma, as per the norm. Supposedly out of nowhere, Sammi was ‘attacked by like a swarm of f****** bitches.’ Apparently, they pulled her hair and threw her drink. She definitely threw down before literally being thrown through the front door by bouncers. As the rest of the cast joined her on the walk back to their beach house, Ronnie made the comment that Sammi was bleeding. Without skipping a beat, Sammi shouts, “Did you see me? It was me against the WORLDDD! AND I still held my clutch!  You don’t yank my newly weave, that I just got… I was always taught to like, self-defend myself.” BAAAAAhahahahaha! Really? I love.

You are my ‘Homie’ of the week, Sam. Don’t let nobody mess with your drink, your clutch, or your newly weave!

Jackhole Rating: 11 out of 10

Snooki. Really? That’s all I can say to your struggle that is Season 5’s Episode 5, immediately following your lack of bladder control.

Nicole -Snooki- Polizzi actually peed down her leg. …Half drunk laughing, half embarrassed, this meatball ran to the ladies room in Karma, sprayed her ‘kooka‘ multiple times to give herself a ‘Shore Shower‘. She didn’t fully clean herself, she didn’t wash her hands, and she shouted, “I’m not dirty!!!”  —OKAY PAUSE!!! Yes you ARE dirty, lady! Lol are you out of your mind?! Sick McNasty!— Before going out the next night, Snooki prepared herself with backup (booty shorts over her panties) as a proactive measure. After waking up, Snooki called for a doctor’s appointment and was later diagnosed with a UTI. Her very professional views as a graduated vet tech — drink enough alcohol to numb the pain in her mind and in her kooka. Regardless of the fact that you provide me with many brain-cell-losing laughter, you, my friend are a Jackhole.

Jackhole.’  Lol that’s all I can say at this point in time.

Tareq Salahi and Michaele Salahi

Although I find both Tareq and Michaele Salahi (married, but estranged) to display signs of ‘Jackhole‘ tendencies, I truly find Michaele to be more of a victim than a participant.

Tareq Salahi gets my ‘Jackhole‘ award this week, and here’s why:

‘Jackhole’ Rating: 9.5

This guy is one crazy son-of-a-bitch.  The couple, first made infamous by their stint of crashing a White House State Dinner two years ago, also made a name for themselves as part of the rookie cast of Bravo’s Real Housewives of Washington D.C.  Before taping  of the first season finished, Tareq (who, by the way, convinced a long string of White House employees that the pair had been invited to the State Dinner and cost each of the employees their job) always seemed to be the brains of the operation, with Michaele simply parroting any b.s. she had been fed.  This husband snuck himself and his bride into a number of invite-only parties.  When taken before the U.S. House of Representatives Homeland Security Committee for a hearing, the couple’s attorney advised them to plead the fifth, literally, to every single question they were asked…. and they did.

About two weeks ago, the two announced their split, with Michaele moving out.  Almost immediately, their Doberman Pinscher became depressed and died last week.  Tareq publicly blames Michaele for the dog’s death.  Granted, she was the more sane of the two and Rio’s animal instincts probably led him to trust her more.  I don’t blame Michaele for leaving, but I DO blame her for not taking that poor animal with her.  That man belongs in a nut house and a week and a half alone with him would be enough to cause any of us to have a heart attack and die.

‘Homie’ Rating: 7

Meanwhile, Michaele claims to be happy and ‘in love‘ with a guitarist for Journey, Neal Schon.  Salahi has been attending concerts backstage as well as picking up some new make up trends to perfect a rock-and-roll girlfriend look.  Good for you, girl.  Regardless of the fact that you are a touch mindless, you had enough good sense to get the hell away from that manipulative, pathological liar.

Homie‘ of the week goes to Michaele.  This should be a message to all the ladies out there that need a little encouragement to leave that ridiculous man you’re with.

Taylor Armstrong and Scarlett Johansson

When I first came up with the concept for this blog, I immediately thought of the tragedy that Taylor Armstrong (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) went through recently.  On August 15, 2011, Taylor and a family friend found her estranged husband, Russell Armstrong, dead in his rented West Hollywood home.  Russell had hanged himself from a beam in his bedroom.  Entertainment reporters were making it out to be a Bravo scandal, like it had more to do with I-won’t-sue-Bravo-if- clauses in contracts than an actual tragedy someone had suffered.  I planned to expose Bravo, among other reality show networks, and paint them in the worst Jackhole light ever.  Unfortunately, after some research, I learned that this really had nothing to do with cameras or limelight.  This was something that happened due to real-life choices and grievances.

It is incredibly terrible that someone would have to suffer this kind of heartbreak after already in the public eye.  Not to mention the fact that this happened not too long after Russell had apparently seen an x-ray of Taylor’s skull.  Reports after Russell’s death claim that Russell had abused Taylor almost two dozen times during the course of their marriage, once during her pregnancy with their daughter. According to Taylor, she doesn’t think Russell saw himself as an abuser until he saw the incredible damage that the most recent occurrence had caused.  Shortly thereafter, he missed a scheduled meeting with his estranged wife and was not answering his phone.  Fearing the worst, Taylor and a family friend went to check on him, only to find him passed away inside.

This week, our ‘Homie‘ title goes to Taylor. I know you loved your husband, and my heart goes out to you and your family at this time.

Now, for something on a lighter note.  Scarlett Johansson.  Oh, how I already loathed thee.  And now, you have to stoop so low as to involve the FBI in the matter of your phone being hacked??  Are you insane?! Our country needs every dollar it can possibly hang onto and you’re asking our tax payers to find the people who publicized your nude photos? Guess what, hussie! You’re famous. If you take nude photos, make a sex tape, or even sext someone, it’s getting leaked! End of story. Don’t be so idiotic as to think that you are the ONE invincible celebrity who will escape that fate. Not to mention the fact that you should be happy. All press is good press, no? I was beginning to forget about you. Had it not been for the hacking of your phone, I would have been happy never hearing your name again. Mila Kunis (who I would never forget) went through the same situation not too long ago, and she has no comment. If you want to keep these things off of the public’s mind: lay low, RE: with ‘no comment,’ and call your rep to dig you out of this embarrassment. You could learn something from Ms. Kunis, you spoiled little shit.

‘Jackhole’ of the week goes to you, Scarlett. As if I needed one more reason to hate you.